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emjrabbitwolf

em-j Rabbitwolf
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It was recently my 33rd birthday, which if I were a Hobbit, and I've been called such since I'm smaller than a lot of the people I spend time with, I would officially now be an adult.
I don't feel my 33 years. I feel like I did when I was about 24-25, just before I got sick. At least that's how I still feel on the inside, even though my body no longer looks the same or is the same way health wise as it was back then.

However I've decided its time to get organised... I have no legacy to leave to this world, but I have created things. Some I'm proud of, others not to much. But I want to leave a record of these just in case they are useful to others... This means getting my life in order. Sorting out all the piles of papers and objects I've accumulated over the years. Scanning in the art work, typing the words scrawled on scraps of paper, and taking photos of those objects I can't scan, models I've painted, things I've crafted...

Its going to be one very, very long road, as so much has built up over my life. Hopefully I will get to have everything organised and sorted before I turn 34... or 35 at the latest. Yes that's a long time scale, but I need it. So much to be done, and so much to recorded, even if only for myself... 

If you're interested come along for the ride. Old things will be recorded and new works generated as I try to get my mind, body and soul back into some semblance of how I feel. My health isn't going to improve, but I can lose the weight, tone up and try to do my own make up and hair!
SO much to do and so little time... where's my pocket watch and bunny ears...
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Keeping up

4 min read
I feel like I'm constantly left behind. All my life I've felt like I was chasing others to catch up, or to obtain something out of life... Now I don't know where to go.
My depression keeps surfacing, more than in the past, sucking me down on to a dark lonely path. I don;t want that. I want to walk in the sun with my family and friends. To love and be loved, to explore and enjoy.
But I feel so lost and confused. I've no idea where I'm supposed to go next.
The help I'm getting via my health service isn't enough. I knwo there are staff and budget cuts, that there's waiting lists and such, but I've been waiting so long...
Hopefully when I see my GP next I can explain things to him, make him understand my pain and upset.
Out of four GPs in my local practise only ONE believes me and cares about the conditions I've been diagnosed with.
He's the youngest out of the four, but I still don't know if he's completely on my side.
At least after appointments with him I don't want to curl up and die, or carve my flesh up as I'm filled with shame.
My family and friends are all moving on, and I'm stuck in the same place as I was two years ago....
Suffering from Fibromyalgia and Depression plus Goddess knows what else, unemployed and feeling useless.
I woud like to leave something behind in this world, something which will live on through others, though memories of who I am will fade.
Due to the illnesses I'm not able to start a family yet. That hurts so badly, as I've seriously wanted to be a mother since about 20.
Friends and family members have married and had children, purchased their own homes, moved to new places even countries.
I'm so happy and pleased for them, yet also sad inside.
Everyone is moving so fast compared to me.
I feel ike an anchor holding back my fiance.
He's smart and capable, loving and understanding, yet with the way of the world, moving upwards for him is proving hard.
That hurts me more than I ever actually let on. I wish something would happen for him in a most positive way.
My sister has new friends and new hobbies. A great things for her.
As my sister growing up, she was ridiculed and bullied. All for being the younger sister of the "srange girl" in school.
Thankully with time people saw her for who she was rather than my sister.
She has her own dreams and hopes. I just wish I could help her achieve them. She deserves to be happy.
My parents are ok, I guess would be the term.
Both struggling along in different ways, but moving along trying to find their place in the world.
They both have legacies in us children and those they have cared for.
Growing up they taught us so much of the world.
As my parents accepted me for whoever I was, I've followed where my heart led without fear for them.
Being different is hard growing up.
The bullying and teasing, being gossipped about behind your back. Even now its barely stopped.
I don't want to be anyone but myself. I tried to be someone else in the past, it only made me unhappy.
The world as a whole doesn't understand who I am, though there are pockets of people who get and accept it.
I grade myself against what they have achieved, the places they've gone, the legacy they leave.
I'm trying to move, but not sure where to start. There's so much to be done, but I've only 2 hands and so little energy.
I'm trying to sort the jumble of tasks ito a coherent structure, one that I can follow.
I won't catch up with out some miricle intervention.
But I might just be able to do the things that I dream of.
Visit the placed on this Earth that call out to me.
Learn the subjects and languages that intrigue my mind.
To create the objects my mind builds in detail, but as tactile objects any can see.
My illnesses will never go away, and may only get worse, but I need to control them.
Not let them control me.
Need to find out where to turn within the health service.
I might not keep up, but I plan not to be left behind.
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Well this evening I finally got around to trying out my wonderful Yule gift from D!
Oh its so strange not using a mouse to colour in images! Its also great having so much room in which I can spread and flow with the image. Its going to take some getting used to though. I'm so not used to having a graphics tablet to use!
Coupling it with my very old version of Photoshop, Photoshop CS no less, feels both good and strange and scary all at once.
I've been able to start colouring images much quicker and with more control than when using a mouse, but having the Wacom hooked into Photoshop opens more options for me, especially pressure control. Its a feature I need to explore more and understand how it will effect my images in future.
I spent a couple of hours this evening very slowly colouring in my 2PoundChibi image of the Fruits Basket girls. Its not great and is still a work in progress, but I'm joying the feel the pen and tablet provide for when I want to alter and colour images.

Come new year I'm hoping to spend time sat using the many back issues of ImagineFX I have plus some other magazines and books I have on computer based graphics to improve my abilities.
watch this space for lots of tutorial/practise pieces being put up so I can get critique on what I need to improve and such.
Hopefully I can find some wonderful tutorials on how to use the pressure function better too!
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Spent a night in Blackpool where I got to take photos of the lights at night. Some shots came out really well. I need to spend more time studying my camera magazines to figure out all the settings that work best for different conditions. Might look into doing such as a college course, depending upon costs, location etc... Thinking of making up a mini laminated guide once I have a few different settings all figured out. Easy enough to laminate and attach to the camera strap, or put in the case. Maybe, eventually I'll figure out how to make the camera record several settings at once, or how to set them up faster without needing guidance. Guess will come with practise. Have free time to do this in I guess.
The weather wasn't great in Blackpool or on the drive home, but got some gorgeous cloud shots. Plan to upload them for use by myself and others as stock images.

Rather pathetic and silly for a female my age, but I bought a lovely doll! She's one of the Monster High dolls, Robecca Steam. She's lovely and steampunk in style. She's pretty hard to find but my local Argos had a whole load out on display so I flitted away with one, much to D's dismay! I'm banned form buying more dolls till everyone I already have is completed and dressed... but that involves buying more parts like eyes and wigs. Plus I have 5, 7 dolls maybe waiting for me to pay for mid month. I'm mor ein love with dolls now that I ever was as a child! But having found my sewing machine cables I can now start designing and making clothes for them all. At least I can once my workroom is sorted out!

There are those who demand things of you but are unwilling to comp[ly by the same rules in return..
Don't talk to my friends works both ways... don't "lie" about me, goes for all parties... Don't come near my life, then also stay away from my places of interest then...
That sorta things gets me annoyed. Sigh...
I'm expected to play be a set of rules that the rule creators are unwilling to comply with themselves. So much fun...
Sigh.
Some old wounds will never heal, but I have given it an attempt. Know some bridges in life will never be fixed, but some paths are a shame to leave behind... Miss some of the people I used to know for strange conversation and such. Though haven't enjoyed some of the lies they have said to others about me, and they are aware of liying and didn't exactly like being called on various things they'd done... Shouldn't be as bothersome as it is, but sometimes it hurts and I'm never entirely sure why.
I wish things were simpler in my life. Wish I coudl manage my wacom better! Fighting away with the setting and such so I can manage to get it to work just like a pen/brush. Well sorta like anyway.
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Felt really good to start scanning my artwork and putting it online again. Lost so much time and a giid number of pieces.
I've 5 folders of artwork somewhere... no idea where they've gone since I started to redo the rooms. Hoping they are in the loft! Or the spare room. If not in either I'll be concerned and worried. Haven't scanned 99% of my artwork, something I really want to do. Even if it never appears online, I'll at least have them stored as digital copies for my own use.
Things are progressing and it does feel really good. First day of the new year should be good if all goes well.
Still much to do, but things are working.
Now to nail down the boys and discuss colours for the walls and carpets that need replacing... heh might as well see about getting it all done in next 6 months.
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Featured

Getting started again by emjrabbitwolf, journal

Keeping up by emjrabbitwolf, journal

Photoshop and Wacom by emjrabbitwolf, journal

Thoughts and babble by emjrabbitwolf, journal

Feeling accomplished! by emjrabbitwolf, journal