I feel like I'm constantly left behind. All my life I've felt like I was chasing others to catch up, or to obtain something out of life... Now I don't know where to go.
My depression keeps surfacing, more than in the past, sucking me down on to a dark lonely path. I don;t want that. I want to walk in the sun with my family and friends. To love and be loved, to explore and enjoy.
But I feel so lost and confused. I've no idea where I'm supposed to go next.
The help I'm getting via my health service isn't enough. I knwo there are staff and budget cuts, that there's waiting lists and such, but I've been waiting so long...
Hopefully when I see my GP next I can explain things to him, make him understand my pain and upset.
Out of four GPs in my local practise only ONE believes me and cares about the conditions I've been diagnosed with.
He's the youngest out of the four, but I still don't know if he's completely on my side.
At least after appointments with him I don't want to curl up and die, or carve my flesh up as I'm filled with shame.
My family and friends are all moving on, and I'm stuck in the same place as I was two years ago....
Suffering from Fibromyalgia and Depression plus Goddess knows what else, unemployed and feeling useless.
I woud like to leave something behind in this world, something which will live on through others, though memories of who I am will fade.
Due to the illnesses I'm not able to start a family yet. That hurts so badly, as I've seriously wanted to be a mother since about 20.
Friends and family members have married and had children, purchased their own homes, moved to new places even countries.
I'm so happy and pleased for them, yet also sad inside.
Everyone is moving so fast compared to me.
I feel ike an anchor holding back my fiance.
He's smart and capable, loving and understanding, yet with the way of the world, moving upwards for him is proving hard.
That hurts me more than I ever actually let on. I wish something would happen for him in a most positive way.
My sister has new friends and new hobbies. A great things for her.
As my sister growing up, she was ridiculed and bullied. All for being the younger sister of the "srange girl" in school.
Thankully with time people saw her for who she was rather than my sister.
She has her own dreams and hopes. I just wish I could help her achieve them. She deserves to be happy.
My parents are ok, I guess would be the term.
Both struggling along in different ways, but moving along trying to find their place in the world.
They both have legacies in us children and those they have cared for.
Growing up they taught us so much of the world.
As my parents accepted me for whoever I was, I've followed where my heart led without fear for them.
Being different is hard growing up.
The bullying and teasing, being gossipped about behind your back. Even now its barely stopped.
I don't want to be anyone but myself. I tried to be someone else in the past, it only made me unhappy.
The world as a whole doesn't understand who I am, though there are pockets of people who get and accept it.
I grade myself against what they have achieved, the places they've gone, the legacy they leave.
I'm trying to move, but not sure where to start. There's so much to be done, but I've only 2 hands and so little energy.
I'm trying to sort the jumble of tasks ito a coherent structure, one that I can follow.
I won't catch up with out some miricle intervention.
But I might just be able to do the things that I dream of.
Visit the placed on this Earth that call out to me.
Learn the subjects and languages that intrigue my mind.
To create the objects my mind builds in detail, but as tactile objects any can see.
My illnesses will never go away, and may only get worse, but I need to control them.
Not let them control me.
Need to find out where to turn within the health service.
I might not keep up, but I plan not to be left behind.